I Don't Want to be Alone Anymore
by animegeek220
Summary: When the people Rin cares about the most leave him, he resorts back to old habits: cutting. When his friends all find out, how will they react? Will they try to help him, or just let him go further down a path that eventually leads to suicide?
1. Cuts

**Disclaimer: I do not own Blue Exorcist  
** **Warning: very angst Rin  
** **Also, may be a little RinxBon in later chapters**

Scarlet. All I saw was scarlet, the color of warm, slick blood. My blood. I watched it roll down my arm with a satisfying sting, the pain making itself known and noticed. I focused on it, focused on the feeling; rather being in agony then let my emotions swell up unbearably. I could tolerate this kind of pain. I could tolerate feeling the blade slide across my arm over and over, creating red welts that would soon heal. Heal faster than I would have liked. It reminded me of what I was. A demon. The thing I had always been afraid of being, always told I had been. I had always denied it. I always believed it wasn't true. It was all lies. In the end, I had been wrong. They had been right. I was a monster. I had no one. No family, no friends. No one who cared. No one who even went as far as _pretending_ they cared. I had always tried so hard. I had tried to be "normal", to fit in, to have friends like everyone else. But how could you fit in a world that you didn't even belong to? Where no one wanted you around? For awhile I pretended I was happy, I pretended so everyone would think I didn't care how they felt. That their words didn't bother me. But I soon realized they couldn't care either way, whether I was smiling or crying, they could less. No one saw. No one listened. But I didn' expect them to. Why should they bother caring for something that wasn't even human?

But it wasn't my fault. I didn't ask to be like this. I didn't want to be a demon. I didn't want to be the son of the very thing that has brought suffering to this world more than anything else. I didn't want this life. I didn't want any of this. All I wanted was to feel accepted. Was that really too much to ask for?

Apparently it was. I only had one thing to keep my emotions stable, and that was my knife. Whenever I felt like I was about to break, when my emotions were about to become too much, I did this. I know what they say. That it didn't actually help. It just made everything worse. But they were wrong. It did help. It helped more than they could ever know. It's not like I could talk to anyone about it. The one person who would've listened was dead. Long gone and dead. I couldn't tell my brother, Yukio; he wouldn't want to hear it. I honestly don't even know if he cared. Many times I wondered, did Yukio still blame me for our father's death? That would explain why he had been so harsh towards me lately. Or maybe it was because since the old man died he didn't have to fake his true feelings anymore? That made me wonder even more, had he ever actually seen me as his brother? Or had I always been a dangerous monster in his eyes? Had he been faking everything this whole time? Did I even know him anymore?

No. I didn't. I got thrown unexpectedly into this new, dangerous world, finding out my whole life was a lie, everything I had been told was a lie. I didn't even know how to feel about the old man anymore. After everything that I heard...I felt numb. Had he even really been trying to be a father? Or was his entire purpose just to make me a weapon? Just to use me? Is that the only reason he saved me? I refused to believe it. The old man was not like that. He wouldn't do that. He was the only one who cared about and for me when anyone else would've left me to die. He was my father. More than that, even. He was my dad.

And I wished more than anything that he was still here.  
I finished the last, final cut and dropped the knife. I stared down at my arms, all cut up and bleeding. Pain throbbed from them, but it was barely enough to shut out the ache growing in my heart. I outlined the red in with my eyes, watching the skin slowly stitch itself back together. Using a normal knife hadn't worked, in less than five minutes all the cuts I had made healed, making my skin look good as new. I had stolen a holy metal knife from Yukio in the hopes that would work better and it did. Not as much as I had hoped, but it did. Not only did it make the cuts stay longer, but a simple touch of blade made my skin burn. It was almost enough to forget about the mental pain  
Almost.  
My thoughts wandered back to the old man as I stared at the cuts. I could imagine if he walked in on me, walked in right now and saw what I was doing to myself. He would be so worried, probably ground me for a month, not let me even near a knife for what would seem like forever. He would be disappointed. But even more than that, he would try to understand why. He would wrap me in his arms and hold me until I spilled everything, until I finally broke down and cried into his shoulder. He would comfort me, just like a parent should comfort their child. Then he would help me. He would do anything he could to make sure I got better. He would care.  
I began to feel ashamed, ashamed as I did everytime I finished self-harming. I would be mad at myself, 'this isn't why he died for you' I always thought. And then I'd do it all over again. It had become a vicious cycle, one I couldn't break free from. I wished Shiro was here.  
I put my head in my hands as the phyiscal pain was drowned out by all the emotions screaming inside of me. Cutting had finally become not enough. I drew my knees close to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. I let my forehead rest on my knee caps and tried to calm them, tried to bottle them up and make them leave me alone. It didn't work. Before I knew it I was crying. Warm, salty tears ran down my face, only followed by more. I couldn't stop them. I didn't want to stop them. I just wanted all this to end.  
"Rin?" A familiar voice pulled me out of my thoughts. A voice that made me freeze with sudden panic. The voice was filled with shock and fear. I forced myself to look up and met the turquoise eyes of the person who had walked in one me.

"Yukio…."

 **That's all for now! Thanks for reading. Reviews are always welcome**


	2. First Sign of Caring

I walked into class, not looking at my younger brother as I did. I didn't want to think about the incident yesterday, but every time I saw him I was reminded. When a family member walked in you cutting yourself, you would expect them to freak out, right? For them to get worried, wonder why in the world someone they cared about was doing something like this? To want to help them with whatever pushed them over to edge, helped them get pass this struggle?

Well, I guess they'd have to actually care for that to happen. True, he had been shocked to find out, but it's not like he actually cared about me or what happens. If it wasn't for our dad he would have killed me right on the spot the first day of school, or even long before.

I wanted to act like I didn't care. LIke it didn't matter to me what he thought or how he felt. I would be lying to myself. He was my brother, how could I not care about him? I've always cared about him and I always would. I just wish I could understand why he was acting so cruel towards me. I never did anything to him. I protected him, helped him when he needed it, was there when he needed someone. I was always supporting him in his dream to become a doctor, because I knew he could do it. So why? Why did he hate me? Because it was my fault dad died? Or because I was a demon? He was the only family I had left...and every snap, every glare, every crititic hurt. It felt like a stab in the heart. It didn't help that my once friends were now acting the same. There wasn't a single person I could go to, that I could ask for advice, that I could just talk to. The only thing left I had for comfort was my knife.

I could feel their glares as I walked quickly to my seat, which was now away from all of them. I also saw some of them not even looking at me, fear in their eyes. Was I really that terrifying? What did I even do? Save them from Amaimon. That's what I did. Yeah, I lost control, but I didn't hurt anyone of them. A familiar anger began to rise in my chest. It just wasn't fair. I didn't do anything to deserve this. Besides being born, that is. But that wasn't my fault. No one can control that. That fact obviously doesn't matter to any of them.

The anger died down after almost a minute, being replaced by the numbness of knowing no matter what I thought it wouldn't change what they thought. No matter what I said to justify the situation I doubted I would get my friends back, much less my brother. The thought made me want to cry right there, but I forced myself not to. I didn't want any of them to think I was actually hurt, though I was sure they wouldn't care either way.

I didn't pay any attention to the lesson at all, being lost in my own train of thoughts. I didn't notice as the minutes pass by, and I didn't notice when the bell rang. I didn't notice Yukio leave, and I didn't notice my classmates gets up and leave. I didn't notice Bon stopping at the door, or Shima and Konekomaru giving him a weird look before shaking their heads and walking outside of the room. I continued to stare down at the desk, oblivious to everything but my thoughts. My emotions continued growing with each second, beginning to feel unbearable. I didn't notice as the older boy walked over to me.

I didn't notice the tears rolling down my cheeks.

 _I stared up at my younger brother as he stared down at me. Shock was written on his face, but it quickly turned to anger. I just sat there silently, not knowing what to say as the rest of the cuts healed. The silence lasted for several minutes before Yukio spoke, "What the hell are you doing?"_

 _I didn't reply for a minute, and just looked away. "It doesn't matter."_

" _It doesn't matter?!" He exclaimed. "You're sitting here, cutting yourself, and you say it doesn't matter?!"_

" _Just leave me alone…" I said, not in the mood to argue with Yukio once again. Yukio narrowed his eyes._

" _Fine." He said. "If you want to suffer alone then have fun." He tch'd, "You're so selfish."_

 _That comment sent a spark of anger to race through me. I stood up. "I'm selfish? How am I being_ selfish _?"_

 _He glared at me. "Father gave his life for you and this is how you repay him? By sitting around, hurting yourself, being wrapped in your own self pity?"_

 _My tail lashed in anger, "Why does it even matter? Why do you care what I do?"_

" _You know what, for once you're right." He said. "You can go die for all I care. There's just more proof Father should have never saved you, demon." He walked out of the room, not looking back. I just stood there in a shocked silence. I knew Yukio was upset with me, and I had been suspecting he felt that way, but a part of me had always hoped my suspicions were wrong. I slowly sat back down, leaning against the wall. My gaze lingered on the bloodied knife for a few seconds before I looked away, wondering if anything would ever get better._

"Rin!" The shout pulled me out of my memory and I looked up in surprise. Concerned, brown eyes were staring down at me.

"B-I mean….what are you doing here?" I heard my voice crack and silently cursed myself, clearing my throat.  
"You were just staring off and being really unresponsive…" His voice faded off as I looked at him with an expression that said, 'so...again, why are you here?' "Are you okay?" He asked instead.

That question sent a wave of surprise to hit me dead on and I wasn't able to keep it off my face for a long moment. After getting control of my emotions back I glared at him, "Why do you care?"

He thought for a moment before replying simply, "you're crying."

"No I'm not." I said and reached up to touch my face, feeling another round of surprise as I felt the wet proof of tears. I quickly wiped my eyes with my sleeve and stood up. I began to walk past him when I felt him grab my arm, his grip tight. I turned to look at him.

"I'm serious," He said. "Are you okay?"  
"I'm fine." I growled, yanking my arm away from him. "I don't need your damn help or whatever." I saw a flash of anger cross his expression. He didn't get the chance to respond, because I was already gone.

 **So, the characters are obviously a bit OC'd in this fic. Yukio's gonna be unusually cruel because...plot. Thanks for reading ;)**


	3. Revealed

**I finally finished the next chapter! Sorry it took so long, I've been so freaking busy. And writers block. I am really surprised by how many followers and favorites I've gotten! I honestly didn't expect this to get so popular o-o 114 followers, 78 favorites? Only 2, short chapters? Like damn! Sorry if I haven't replied to any reviews, I'm really bad at that...I have read them all and I appreciate your eagerness in the continuation of this story!**

 **So...I have been having allot of writers block. I don't really know where to go in this story, and I want to know if theres anything you want to see happen in this fic. There's no guarantee that if you ask for something to happen that it will appear. Hopefully it'll strike up an idea in me or I'll use it in this :3 You can either post it in a review or pm me, anything works. Thanks!**

I finally allowed myself to calm down as I reached the roof to the dorm. I layed down on my back and stared up at the sky. The sky was bright blue, not a cloud in the sky as the sun lit up the world. I closed my eyes, putting my arm over my eyes to shield them from the sun. I took in deep breaths, the sun warming my skin and making me feel a bit better. I felt confused, completely puzzled. Why would Bon care if I was okay, much less confront me on it? After all, he was the one who was the first to stop being my friend, and the first to make it clear he wanted nothing to do with me. So him suddenly approaching me was totally uncharacteristic for him. It didn't make any sense. Unless his conscious was bugging him and he was making some attempt to quench his guilt. I just shook my head, deciding that I didn't care. I didn't want to get my hopes up. The sun glared down at me and I began to feel more empty. I sat up and slowly pulled a knife out of my pocket. I held it gently in my hands, observing every inch of it. The blade was silver and clean, as shiny as a new knife. The edge was sharp, and the sunlight glinted brightly off the blade. The handle was just as pretty as the blade. It was soft and painted white. There were swirls in the blade, and down at the bottom they formed into a cross. There were a few red diamonds along the handle. It was wonderous how something that looked so beautiful could be so deadly.

I moved the blade into my right hand and placed it up against my left arm. Cutting had seemed to become an addiction, something I mentally and physically needed and craved. I hesitated for a spilt second before tightening my grip on the handle and slashing it across my arm. I did it again and again, each time less hesitant than before. I relished the feeling of the burning metal upon my skin, the feeling of sharp pains as I cut open new wounds. Blood ran down my arms, dropping onto the floor. I focused on the pain, wanting to feel something, _anything_ other than the dark emptiness welling up inside my chest, spreading through me like an icy numbness. The cuts traveled up to my shoulders, ending at the base of my neck. I gave a deep breath, letting the knife fall from my hand. The shooting pain balanced out the numbness, and my thoughts weren't so overwhelming. I looked down at my arms, not surprised to see them already healing. I cursed myself and let my gaze linger on the blade. I curled my fingers around it, ignoring my protesting nerves. I could easily end the pain, end the confusion and it all. All I had to do was raise the blade to my neck…just a flick of my wrist, and it would all be over.

But as always, something held me back.

What was it? Fear of death? No, I wasn't afraid. No one would miss me. Infact, they would probably be relieved that a monster like me no longer lived among them. I was never meant to exist in the first place, so there would be no harm in ending it. It would just be fixing a mistake. I shook my head, letting my fingers slip away from the blade. I reached up to wipe away any tears that had fallen during the episode, but to my surprise there were none. I wasn't even surprised really. I gave a shrug, not caring. I looked out at the beautiful scenery that still surrounding me, showing no care or notice to the dark world around it.  
"Here is where I'm supposed to look out and realize how beautiful everything is and remember that things will get better." I said to myself. "Bullshit." I closed my eyes. The touch of warmth and sunlight did make me feel better, but deep down it only worsened the wound. How could a world that could look so beautiful be so cruel?

"Why don't you?" A second voice made me jump and look over my shoulder at the uninvited guest.

I gave a growl, "persistent bastard."  
Suguro walked over and held out a notebook. "You left this in your hurry, if you even use it, anyway."

My eyes narrowed and after a moment I reached out and took the notebook. It was then I realized my sleeves were still rolled up, and the cuts had yet to heal. My fingers curled around the notebook before I froze, my eyes wide at my mistake. Bon didn't let go of the notebook as he stared at my arm, sliced and bleeding. His eyes were wide with shock. I saw his gaze travel past me at the knife still in my left hand, my blood staining the blade. I quickly snapped out of my own shock and yanked the notebook out of his hand. I turned away as I rolled my sleeves down quickly. I stayed silent, panic welling up in my chest. He remained silent as well, still processing what he just saw. The panic began to ebb away as I just didn't care. He found out I cut myself, so what? It's not like he cared. Why should I even care what he thought of it? He would never understand anyway. Perfect grades, proud family, friends, and a future? He had no reason to do what I was doing. Part of me hoped he would just leave me alone after seeing this. There was, however, a small flare of hope deep inside this would make him _closer,_ and attempt to be my friend again. I ignored it. He finally spoke,

"What...what are you doing to yourself?" He sounded shaken.

I stood up, putting the knife back into it's sheathe and pocketing it. "Isn't that obvious? Don't tell me stop. I'm not going to." I walked past him, heading towards the door to go back inside. My arm was grabbed roughly and I winced as pain raced up it. I turned to face Bon, my gaze hard.

"Why?!" He demanded, his eyes filled with anger. "Why are you doing this?!"

"It helps." I answered simply and turned away, pulling my arm against his grasp. He didn't let go.

"No it doesnt! It's just unhealthy! You need help, Rin!"

I looked at him again, feeling a wave of anger. "No, I don't! You didn't care before, you just turned your back on me, even after you said we were friends! I don't need help, I don't need anyone! You just feel guilty because you saw me cutting myself! You're acting this way to relieve your own guilty conscience, nothing else!" I yanked my arm out of his grasp.


	4. Reminder

His shocked eyes stared into mine, before they became aflamed with anger. He grabbed the collar of my shirt roughly, pulling me up so we were face to face. "You actually think I'm worried about you for my own selfish reasons?!"

I clenched my fists, staring back into his angry eyes. "Yes. Why else would you be? There's absolutely no reason for you to care about me for me. I'm not worth the energy…" I moved my gaze away from his. After a moment he let go of my shirt, but before he could say anything I said, "Can you just...leave?"

"You expect me to just leave after I saw you doing that to yourself?! I-"

"Yes, that's exactly what I want!" I hissed. "Get the hell out of my dorm!" My eyes met his once again, and our gazes held for several moments before he looked away and stalked past me into the building. After he was gone I slowly fell back to the floor, looking at my arms. To my disappointment, they were already healed. I leaned my head back onto the wall, staring up yet again at the sky and the sun beginning to set. When had it gotten so late?

My thoughts wandered back to Bon and I gave an empty sigh. Everytime he was around me I felt surges of emotion, of either sadness or anger or longing, and I didn't know why. Half of me made it want me to be around him more, but the other half wanted him to stay away. I didn't like my emotions, they were confusing and difficult to figure out. I'd rather feel nothing at all, and it was impossible with him around.

I finally got up, feeling exhausted. I walked back into the dorm, shoving my hands into my pockets as I walked towards my room. I looked around, wanting to avoid running into Yukio. I took my time getting back to my room, sitting down on my bed once i got there. I took the knife out of my pocket and let my eyes trace its design once more before opening my desk drawer and laying it gently inside. I closed the drawer and ran my hands through my messy hair. I needed a shower, but I just didn't feel like getting up to get one. I laid down on my back and stared up at the ceiling. Using my toes, I kicked off my shoes. I closed my eyes and took a long breath. Thank god tomorrow was saturday. I didn't think I could find the will to force myself to another long gruelling day at school.

I heard footsteps approaching from down the hall and turned onto my side, pulling the blanket over me to my head. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep as I heard the door open. It was silent for a moment before the footstep traveled to Yukio's side of the room. I listened as he put his things away and changed. I heard footsteps approach my side of the room and forced myself not to tense. The footsteps stopped with hesitation, before turning away and going back to the opposite of the room. I heard his chair screech across the floor and it creak as he sat down. I listened to the shuffling of paper and the sound of pen scratching against paper for a long amount of time, before the pen was sat down silently. Footsteps walked over to near the door and the light went out. He walked over to his bed and shuffled with the blankets and pillows to get comfortable, and then silence.

What I hadn't saw, however, was the concerned and guilty look on his face as he approached me with hesitation. Then the look of regret crossing across his face before he went back to his own side of the room.

When I woke up the next day bright sunlight was filtering through the windows. I felt a weight on my chest and opened my eyes to see a sleeping Kuro curled up on my chest. I gave a small smile and pet him softly. The sidhe let out a loud purr as his tails began to wag happily. I closed my eyes with a sigh, continuing to pet him.  
"Are you okay, Rin?" Kuro's voice made me open my eyes again and I saw Kuro's concerned green eyes staring at me.  
I gave a sigh, "Yeah. I'm fine." A familiar lie.  
Kuro didn't look convinced but gave me a lick on the cheek before jumping off my chest and stretching. His eyes suddenly perked with interest and he bolted out of the room. I sat up, watching him run out. I gave a weak smile, that's right. Not everyone hated me. I still had Kuro. I looked over to the other side of the room, not being surprised to see Yukio's bed empty. I heard my stomach growl and after a moment decided to get something to eat. I had skipped out on dinner yesterday.

I stood up and stretched with a yawn, before walking out of the room and down to the kitchen. I didn't feel like making anything and looked in the fridge, hoping there was something I could just grab and eat. There wasn't anything. I sighed and closed the fridge. I didn't have much of an appetite right now anyway. I went back to my room, laying back down on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I felt extremely bored and thought about the things I could do, but didn't feel like doing anything. I sighed and just rolled onto my side, closing my eyes.

My lazing around didn't last long when the door opened and Yukio entered the room. "Get up, Rin. We have a mission."


	5. Just Don't

**I got a great review on my last chapter, but unfortunetly it was from a guest so I couldn't reply xD Hello, Alyssa says hi! (i am infact a girl) and to answer your question that others are probably wondering as well (maybe idk) is that yes, if there is rinxbon in this,IF, i still haven't decided, it will ONLY be fluff. No yaoi, sorry xD (i may do a different fic for that)**

 **Thanks to everyone following and favoriting and reviewing! You're all appreciated ^-^( i almost have 200 followers like no pressure i hope i dont fuck this up xDD )**

I stood awkwardly with my other classmates, staying quiet unlike usual as Yukio gave a quick briefing of what the mission was. Unsurprising, it was nothing exciting. Exwires always got the crappy jobs no one else would want to do. We were in a small neighborhood about 30 minutes out of town. I wasn't really listening to Yukio, looking at the other students and wondering how this was gonna go. They were all looking at Yukio, listening to his instructions. Izumo was the same as ever, her arms crossed across her chest. She had a bored expression on her face and her eyes were as cold as ever. Shiemi was standing on the other side of konekomaru, watching Yukio with interest. She had been avoiding me since they found out about my heritage, and I thought her out of all them would at least try to understand. She was so kind, and her rejection was the last thing I had been expecting. Everytime I got near her she got super timid, more than she already was, and nervous. Konekomaru didn't even try to hide the fact he didn't like me being around. He just freaked out if I got too close, and was always making comments on how i might "lose it and kill them all", which I would _never_ do. I didn't even understand why he was so scared I was gonna hurt him, I had never hurt any of them. Hell, I'd even risked my own life to protect theirs! Guess that didn't matter. Shima was standing in between Konekomaru and Bon, his hands in his pockets. He looked just as bored as Izumo. I wasn't sure what Shima thought about all this; I was almost convinced he was just avoiding me because Suguro and Konekomaru were. I didn't look at Suguro. I didn't really care what he was doing either. After that incident, it had turned into me avoiding him. I just didn't want to deal with it, have an argument about what I was doing which was none of his business to begin with.  
My name being said with impatience is what brought me back to the present. My brother was looking at me with annoyance written all over his face. The other students turned to look at me."U-uh...yes?"  
"Are you listening?" He asked accusingly.  
"Yes." I said, tugging at my sleeves subconsciously.  
"Then would you like to repeat what I said?"

"I…...uh…." I thought for a moment. "You said that there are like these uh...fairies? Things that are causing allot of problems because they're um playful and that there are three of them and we need to uh capture them?"  
He narrowed his eyes but I guess I had been close enough because he turned his attention away from me and continued his instructions. I let out a sigh of relief and actually payed attention this time. "I'm going to split you into partners and then you'll go to complete your mission."  
'This is just like the one mission at Mephy land…' I thought. Hopefully it didn't actually turn out like that mission though; that one didn't end so well for me.

"You're partners will be: Moriyama and Izumo, Konekomaru and Shima, and Okumura and Suguro." He announced. My eyes widened. Oh hell no. "I'll be watching so don't screw around." Yukio adjusted his glasses.

Izumo stalked over to Shiemi, "come on, let's just get this over with."  
"O-okay…" She stuttered and followed after the other girl.  
"Good luck." Shima whispered to Suguro before walking off with Konekomaru.  
I walked up to Yukio, "You can not pair me up with him!"  
"Why not?" Yukio crossed his arms.

"Because...I….he….." I tried to figure out what I could say that would be a good enough excuse to convince him.  
"I'm not changing the partners, so learn how to get along with him." Yukio said and walked away from me.  
"Come on, hurry up." Bon said and I turned to look at him. "And don't fuck this up. I don't need my grade dropped because of you." He didn't wait before walking in a different direction. I sent Yukio one last glare even though he didn't see it and walked after Suguro. I didn't say anything to him, wondering how we were gonna find the demons in the first place. My stomach growled and I sighed, remembering I hadn't eaten since the other day. Man, I was starving. After this mission the first thing I was gonna do was get some food.  
"Are you starving yourself too?" Bon suddenly asked, looking at me suspiciously.  
I growled, "never...i love food too much."  
"Yeah, sure."  
I put my hands in my pockets and Bon stopped walking. I looked at him, "So, how are we going to find the demons? Are they somewhere around here?"  
"Probably not." Bon replied.  
"...then why did we walk all the way over here?"  
"I wanted to talk to you." he said. "I asked Mr. Okumura to pair us together."  
I felt my tail twitch underneath my shirt, "Why?" My eyes narrowed, "Is this about yesterday?"

"Yes."  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
"Why are you so against talking about it?"

"I just don't want to."  
"But you-"  
"It's none of your business! Why do you even care?!" I exclaimed, anger rising in my chest.  
"Aren't we friends?" I could tell his irritation was rapidly forming as well.

"Yeah, I thought so until you fucking told me to stay away from you and your friends and that if I hurt any of you, you would fucking kill me!" I snapped. "If that doesn't yell, 'i don't want to be your friend anymore' then I don't know what does!"  
He clenched his fists, "I'm sorry, okay?! I was just pissed off because you were always going off on your own, always trying to solve everything yourself and because you couldn't trust us enough to tell us the truth! How are we supposed to trust you if you won't trust us?!"  
"Are you fucking _serious?!_ Okay, one, I wasn't _allowed_ to tell you, and second, I was...I...I was just too damn scared to tell you! I was afraid that this was gonna happen! I had finally made friends, how could you expect me to risk losing all of you by telling you what I was?! I did fucking trust you, but obviously I trusted you too much! You turned your backs on me, not the other way around!"

Suguro looked like he didn't know how to reply to that. After a long pause, he asked, "Are we the reason you're cutting yourself, then?"

I stared at him for a minute before bursting out laughing. It wasn't a real laugh, I wasn't amused, nothing about this was funny. It was more of a bitter laugh, fake. "Nah, I've been cutting long before I met you. Yeah, I stopped for a bit, but you aren't the reason I started."

"Then when did you?" he asked, looking a bit concerned.

"A long time ago." I shrugged.

"If you won't let me help you then I'll just tell your brother." He said like some kind of threat.

"He already knows." I said. "Walked in on me a couple days ago. He doesn't care."

"What?! He's not even trying to get you to stop?!" Suguro exclaimed angrily.

"Of course he isn't. He would be happy if...if I just died." I said like I didn't care about it, but felt a pang in my chest as I said. I closed my eyes, not wanting Bon to find the truth of how I felt about it in them.

"He wouldn't say that.."

"Well he did." I growled, opening my eyes and glaring at him. "I'm not talking about this any longer. Either we go do the stupid mission or I'll go do it by myself."  
"Fine." Bon growled. "But this isn't over."  
"Yes," I said, "It is."

Suguro and I, unsurprisingly, were the last ones to complete our part of the mission. We had spent most of the time arguing, and then fighting over just how to capture the demon, but somehow we actually managed to capture it. When we got back, it was a bit obvious we were being waited on. Suguro immediately walked over to Shima and Konekomaru and I sat by myself while Yukio finished up whatever he was doing. I looked at the demons in the middle of the room. The three were in different cages with seals on them so they couldn't escape. I wondered why we didn't just exercise them like we were supposed to, but Yukio simply said we were ordered not to.

"Alright, all of you come over here." Yukio finally said. I got to my feet and started to walk over to him.

And of course, just something had to happen to make my day start going downhill.

I tripped.

Right onto the cages.

"Fuck!" I hissed as I felt the corner of one of the cages dig into my sides. I sat up, putting my hand on my side and looking at the cages. To my dismay, one of the cages had opened, and the seal was knocked loose on another. The two demons that had been in those cages? Gone. The demon left behind was letting out a symphony of cuss words, cursing out the other two for leaving it there. "DAMN YOU USELESS BASTARDS! SON OF A-"

I turned my attention away from the raging demon and looked at my classmates and Yukio, who were just watching in shock, before their expressions turned into anger. Yukio looked especially pissed off.

"What the hell?! Do you know how hard it was to capture those annoying things?!" Izumo went off.

"It was an accident!" I defended myself, I hadn't meant to fall onto the cages or release any of the demons.

"Another good reason he shouldn't be here in the first place.." Konekomaru said. "He always screws it up!" I looked at him and he cowered away from my gaze. Bon looked like he wanted to tear me apart, but said nothing.

"Aww man...I really don't want to spend the time capturing them again." Shima sighed.

"Well you can thank Okumura for that!" Izumo exclaimed angrily, crossing her arms.

"It was an accident!" I protested. I just wanted to disappear at this point.

"Don't worry, you don't have to capture them again." Yukio spoke up. "You can go home. Rin can re-capture them himself." I stared at Yukio with a betrayed look before looking at the ground.

"Serves him right." Izumo turned and stalked out of room. Konekomaru, Shima, and Suguro followed shortly after, and Shiemi glanced at Yukio like she wanted to say something before following them.

"You can just call me when you're done." Yukio said, "Try not to screw it up a second time." He walked after the other students.

"It was a fucking accident!" I said angrily to myself and punched one of the cages. I sighed and layed down on the floor as the rest of bruise I had gotten from falling on them disappeared. This was the last thing I wanted to do, and it seemed like I had purposely let the demons escape based on how the others were acting. I sat up and looked around again, making sure I was still alone. I pulled out the knife out of my pocket, and then rolled up my sleeve. I unsheathed the knife and ran a hand through my hair. I was so pissed off, at myself, and at my classmates, and at Yukio. I put it to my wrist. I was about to start the slice before a hand suddenly grabbed my wrist. My eyes widened and I looked up, seeing Bon. I almost felt anger, but wasn't able to say anything before he did.

"Don't." He didn't sound angry, or concerned, just sincere. "I'll help re-capture the demons but just...don't. Please."


	6. Broken Glass

**Okay so….whats with all the, "oh well thats it then no more cutting"? Assumitive...but, no, its not gonna magically stop because one person reached out to him one time. If depression actually worked like that, I would have gotten depression-free along time ago. So, no, there is more sadness to come, don't worry.**

 **Anyway, OVER 200 FOLLOWERS! I'm really happy about that, thanks to everyone following and reviewing! You're super appreciated! ^-^**

 **Also, I am writing a BonRin fic! So anyone of you who ship it, just view my account and enjoy another shipping fic! It's called Tangled Hearts.**

 **Enjoy this next depressing chapter!**

I stared up at him for a minute before angrily yanking my wrist out of grasp. "I'll do what I want! Don't tell me what to do!" I stood up, "how many times do I have to tell you, I don't need your help!"

Bon stared at me in surprise before standing up as well. "And why not?"

"Because I don't need it!" I snarled at him.

"Yeah you just go and cut yourself and let yourself be depressed and mope around but no, you don't need help." Bon replied sarcastically.

"Just fuck off! Go hang out with your damn buddies or go study some useless information or whatever the hell you do in your free time!" I yelled at him.

"Why don't you stop acting like a damn brat?!" Bon snapped. "You're all upset because we don't hang out with you, but then when I actually try to be here for you you push me away?! Make up your damn mind!"

"Oh, what the hell do you know?! You just don't understand!"

"Understand what, excatly?! That you're a fucking idiot?"

"No, you don't understand how I feel!" I snarled. I gripped the knife in my hand, having a strong urge to just stab the older boy with it. I instantly regretted the thought, making me feel sick that it actually went through my mind.

"Then why don't you explain how you feel?" Bon challenged.

I glared at him, "Why?! So you have more fuel to use against me? So you have a better understand of how you can hurt me more? Like hell!"

"Rin, I don't want to hurt you." He said seriously.

"Bullshit. Leave me alone." I said as I went to put the knife back in it's sheathe.

"Why should I when I know the moment I leave you're gonna slice yourself all open?" He demanded.

"Does me cutting bother you that much?" I asked. "You think I need you to leave to cut myself? I don't care if you're here or not!" To prove my point I moved the knife away from it's sheathe and slashed it down my opposite arm, ripping open the sleeve of my shirt as I did so. Blood ran down my arm and dripped onto the ground, staining my shirt a bright scarlet red. My skin burned around the large gash now in my arm. I kept my gaze locked on Bon's, not even flinching from the pain. I felt a little bad, but if it got him to me alone it was worth it.

I didn't expect him to do what he did though. His eyes widened for a moment before darkening with anger. He lunged forward and grabbed the arm that was holding the knife roughly and twisted it so it was pinned behind my back. I gasped in more surprise than pain and my fingers opened, dropping the knife. He grabbed the sheathe out of my pocket and pushed me away from him, not trying to hurt me but just to give distance. I spun around, ready to spit venom at him when he picked up the knife and put it in it's sheathe.

"Then I guess I'll have to confiscate this." He said, shoving it into his pocket.

My eyes widened, "give it back!"

"Why?" he asked.

"I need it! It's mine, you don't have the right to take it!" I lunged towards him, going for his pocket. He easily stepped away,

"No, you don't need it. You want it." Bon correct.

"I don't care! It's the only thing that helps!" I went for him again, and instead of dodging he grabbing my arms and held me in place. I struggled to get out of his grip, but I was growing tired and weak from hunger, and cutting myself open with such a big gash didn't help.

"It's not helping you! All it's doing is hurting you!" He insisted, looking me in the eyes.

I shook my head, "That's not true! You don't understand!"

"Then _make me understand."_ He said firmly.

I yanked against him once more, the attempt to free my arms futile. I glared at the ground, "it's the only thing that helps...nothing else makes my emotions leave me alone...they're so confusing and I can't figure them out and they _hurt_ and they make it hard to breathe and I hate them so much...they make my heart ache and i just...I don't want to feel them and cutting is the only thing that makes it better! Other people just make it worse! No one understands and no one ever tries to!" I felt tears starting to sting my eyes as I was beginning to admit how I felt. A part of me felt relieved I could finally get all this emotions off my chest, but another was scared on how Bon would react. Was he being genuine or would he use it against me?

"But I'm trying to understand right now, aren't I?" Bon replied gently. I felt his grip on my arms loosen a bit, but I didn't try to pull them away.

"But why..?" I asked quietly as the tears ran down my face. "I-I'm a f-fucking m-monster." I let out a sob and shook my head. "I'm n-nothing b-but a fucking s-screwup." I didn't look at him, waiting for him to agree and push me away. I couldn't stop crying, even if it was embrassing to do so infront of the older teen. Maybe he'd start making fun of me for crying like a baby too, or chew me out for self-pitying. He probably thought I was pathetic.

"That's not true." Bon said instead, his voice soft.

I shook my head again, "Y-yes it is. W-why else w-would everyone h-hate me so much?"

"No one hates you." He replied.

"That's fucking bullshit!" My voice raised abit. "Yukio hates me, Shiemi hates me, Konekomaru and Shima, everyone back home, I even hate myself!" I let out another sob and pulled my arms away to wipe the tears that were only quickly replaced. "I just mess everything up! I can't do anything right! I'm just fucking worthless."

I felt a flare of surprise as he pulled me into an embrace, holding me close. "W-what are you d-doing?" I looked up at him, seeing a blush on his face and he looked down to meet my gaze. I looked away and took in another sharp breath. Another second went by and I decided I didn't want the answer. Everything was becoming too much and I shoved him away. "Just leave me alone!"

"Rin, wait!" He reached his hand out to grab me but moved back and ran out of the abandoned building we were currently in. All my emotions were too much, and my chest hurt and I couldn't breathe, my mind was a whirling mess that made it begin to pound. I reached into my pocket once I was out of the building, but I abruptly remembered how Bon had taken it from me. "DAMMIT!" I screamed, slamming my fist against the wall. I took in a few more shaky breaths, before looking up and seeing a broken window. I looked at the ground at shattered glass laying there. I didn't hesitate to pick up and partially big piece, looking at the sharp point.

" **Yeah, go ahead. Cut yourself like the pathetic shit you are."** I heard the voice in my head and my hand tightened around the piece of glass, cutting into my skin.

" **May as well kill yourself while you're at it. Not like anyone will miss you."** Another voice spoke up.

"Shut up…" I breathed out weakly, though my heart wasn't in the argument.

" **What the hell is even wrong with you anyway? You're all upset because you're alone, but when someone reaches out to you, you reject them? The fuck?"**

" **That's just because you're a fucking idiot. Can't even be depressed correctly."**

" **That friend of yours should just ditch you anyways. You're so worthless. He's wasting his time with you."**

" **You're nothing but a monster. You shouldn't even exist."**

" **Demon."**

" **Monster."**

" **Idiot."**

" **Father killer."**

" **Worthless."**

" **Just kill yourself already! No one wants you here!"** The voices screamed inside my head.

"I said SHUT UP!" I screamed back and shoved the sharp point of the glass into my stomach. I gasped as pain flared through my nervous system. I felt the blood begin to pool out from the stab wound, staining my hands and dripping to the ground. The scarlet gleamed in the fading sunlight and I coughed, spitting blood out of my mouth. The taste of iron was strong on my tongue and I fell to my knees. I gritted my teeth and pulled the glass out of my stomach, dropping it onto the ground. I pressed my hands against my stomach, wondering if this would be enough to kill me. Everything hurt and everything was so confusing I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I didn't want to do this anymore. Even if Bon was being sincere, I'd probably just end up hurting him in the future. Another set of tears rolled down my cheeks as I was consumed with guilt, "I'm so sorry dad...I just can't do this…" My vision began to fade, and as my eyes closed and began to fall over, I hoped they wouldn't ever open again.

"RIN!" A scream filled my ears before everything faded to black.


	7. Rin, please

**See...told you the depression wasn't over yet :P**

 **Here's the next chapter!**

 **Enjoy~**

Disappointment.

That was the first thing I felt when my eyes opened. Disappointed that the glass hadn't been enough to end my life. The second thing I became aware of was the dull throbbing in my stomach. The third was realizing I wasn't anywhere I was familiar with. I wasn't laying on the ground where I had stabbed myself, and I wasn't in my room. I was in a sitting up position on a soft, comfy bed. I was propped up by some pillows, and a constant beeping rhythm filled the room. The walls were a baby blue, and the floor was white tile with small flecks of color, and the ceiling plain white. The beeping noise was coming from my left, and I looked over to see a heart monitor, a heart line going across the screen. A cord connected to the bottom of the machine and lead over to me. It ended over the left side of my chest. In the same arm on that side was a needle inserted into my vien in the crook of my elbow. There was also an air mask over my face, connected to the machine next to the heart monitor. I was in a hospital, most likely. ' _Bon must've called an ambulance...goddammit.'_

My attention went to the door to my right as I heard it creak open. Yukio's tall figure entered the room. Our eye's met for a single moment before I looked away, trying to ignore how tired he looked.

"Rin...you're awake." His voice was full of relief.

"Unfortunately." I muttered under my breath and slumped down further into the pillows. His footsteps resounded through the room before the stopped as he pulled a chair over next to the bed and sat down. I kept my gaze away from his, wishing he'd just get up and leave me alone. I was in no mood for his damn lectures, his anger and hate. I was past my limit. I just wanted to be over. I just can't.

"...Did you really try to kill yourself?" He asked quietly.

I sighed at his question and reached up to pull the mask off my face so I could talk, though on second thought I should've just kept it on as an excuse to not have to talk to him. Oh well. I replied to his question anyway, "I stabbed myself with a piece of glass. If you want to consider it a suicide attempt, then go ahead." I shrugged.

"You stabbed a very sharp object into a vital organ, Rin! How could that not-"

"I get it, okay! I'm stupid and selfish and annoying and you can't stand me. You're probably just upset because it was just a suicide attempt and that I didn't actually die." I snapped.

"That's not true!" He protested, grabbing my arm. A growl rose in my throat and I pulled it away from him.

"Oh, bullshit!" I hissed. "You've said it enough times!" I glared at the far wall, still refusing to look at him. My fingers clutched the blanket over me tightly, and yet again I craved to have my knife in hand.

"Rin…" His voice was soft, "Please look at me…" I kept my gaze away. His hand reached out to lay ontop of mine and I quickly moved it away. He easily responded to my movement and grabbed it firmly. I began to tense up. "Rin. Please." After a moment I finally gave in and looked at him, determined to keep an angry look on my face. It quickly disappeared however when I saw _his_ face. His eyes were red, and the rims around them were puffy from what had to be crying. There were dark bags under them as well. His hair was mess, messier than he usually ever let it get and he just looked so...tired. His eyes were swirling with guilt, regret, anger...he looked like he was on the verge of starting to cry again. "Rin...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…" Thats when he _did_ begin to cry.

"Hey… c'mon now… don't cry…" I reached my freehand over to wipe them off his cheeks. No matter what he said to me, and no matter how stupid he made me feel sometimes, I hated seeing him upset. I really didn't like to see him cry. I would start to get protective and wanted to destroy whatever made him upset. Which, I realized, at this point was me.

Yukio moved my hand away from his face, pulling me out of my thoughts. I looked at him questioningly. "All you've ever done is protect and support me, you never got jealous when I was better at something than you…I even promised father I'd protect you, but all I've done is hurt you." He took his glasses off, wiping his eyes as the tears, but they didn't stop. "I saw you _cutting_ yourself and didn't do anything about it, for Christ's sake! I want to be a doctor, I know what that leads to, and yet I didn't…" He stared at the ground. "I've been terrible as a brother...I'm sorry Rin…."

I looked at the sheets, but couldn't hold back the question burning in my throat, "And it took me almost dying for you to realize that?"

Yukio looked at me in surprise and a little bit of hurt. I felt a prick of guilt but didn't take back my words. "Rin, I…."

"I don't want to hear it." I closed my eyes, "You'll just be all nice to me, but the second I get better you'll go back to how you were before. You and Suguro both."

Yukio gave a sigh and didn't say anything else. Instead he leaned over and pulled me into a hug. My eyes widened in surprise and I felt my body begin to tense up. "If that's what you want to think then fine. I'll just have to convince that stubborn mind of yours." He pulled away and stood up. "I just want to let you know you're required to take therapy sessions twice a week now."

"What?!" I exclaimed. "Why?!"

"You attempted suicide Rin. You should be glad your not being sent to rehab or a mental hospital." He said.

"I don't want to be dealing with any of the shit at all!" I hissed. "I wasn't planning on waking back up you know!"

"Well you did and now you have to deal with the consequences."

I glared at him darkly.

"Don't look at me like that." He frowned. "I was the one that talked them into just therapy."

"Whatever…how long do I have to take them?" I asked, picking at the IV needle.

"Don't touch that!: Yukio ordered and I growled, but moved my hand away. He ran his hand through his hair, "And until the therapist decides your mentally healthy." After I didn't say anything he pointed at the mask, "If you're not talking with someone you should keep that on until the doctors say you can take it off."

"I don't need it I can breathe just fine!" I argued.

"Rin. Just do it." He pinched his nose, "Please."

I narrowed my eyes with a growl and just put it back on so he would shut up and leave me alone. He looked at me for a moment before turning and walking towards the door. Before he left he looked over his shoulder at me. "Please give me a chance Rin...I really do care." He sighed and walked out, "See you later, Rin."

I closed my eyes tiredly, fuming with frustration. Great. Now I was stuck talking to some random person for who knows how long. Whoever this person is is probably going to expect me to pour my heart out to them, which wasn't happening. I sighed and decided I didn't want to think about it. I looked back over at the door, thinking about what Yukio had said. It took me almost dying for him to realized he didn't actually hate me, why should I give him a second chance? Why should I just forgive and forget right off the bat, and act like he hadn't been something that pushed me to almost kill myself? He was just afraid of disappointing dad...that was all. Nothing else. I sunk down into the pillows and closed my eyes. Maybe I could fall asleep and escape this world for a little bit. That hope was thrown out the window as I heard the door open again and inwardly groaned. I opened my eyes slightly and looked over to see who it was. Relief hit me, it wasn't Yukio again or Bon. A nurse wearing a blue polo and blue pants walked in, holding a clipboard. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a braid, curling down and over her shoulder. She looked to be in her twenties, maybe. Her hazel eyes looked up to meet mine and she gave a small smile. "You're finally awake. The doctor was starting to worry." She walked over and set her clipboard down on the table top. She sat down on the side of the bed. "I have to check up on a few things, so just let me have a look at your stomach."

I shrugged and looked over at the wall. She seemed to hesitate a moment before moving the blanket to the side and adjusting the hospital gown I realized at the moment I was wearing. I looked at her, expecting to see surprise on her face since it was probably healed by now. There wasn't one. She moved her hand pushed down gently on my stomach. I gasped and flinched in pain and she quickly moved her hand away.

"The hell?!" I breathed out and sat up. The sudden movement caused searing pain to shoot up my spine and I fell back on the pillows with a small whimper.

"Be careful!" The nurse said a bit sharply, but worry edged her tone. "You're not fully healed yet. Moving too fast or abruptly can cause your wound to reopen." The confusion must've been clear on my face, because she said next, "You're not fully healed yet because your injury exceeds to a vital organ." She moved the gown to cover the wound again. She then pulled the blanket back up to my chest. "If you were human, you could possibly still be under critical condition. Because of your enhanced healing you should be fully healed at the end of the week."

Oh.

"Oh, and you don't need this on anymore." She reached over and took the breathing mask off my face, hanging it on the machine it was connected to. She wheeled the machine to the corner before taking a seat next to my bed. She picked up the clipboard and turned her attention to me. "I just need you to answer a few questions for me."

"Okay…" I said.

"Can you tell me how much it hurts, if it does at all?"

"LIke...on a scale from one to ten?" I asked.

"Sure." she nodded.

"Uh...well, when I woke up it was like a two, and after I moved it was like a five and now I'd say it's a two again." I answered.

"Okay." She proceeded to write it down. "That's a good sign. Can you describe the pain for me?"

"No offense, but why does this matter?" I asked her.

"So that we know if everything's going as it should and if theres any complications we need to take care of."

"Oh. Well. It's just throbbing alittle." I shrugged.

She wrote it down. "Alright, that's it. Just to let you know, once your feeling better the police may come in to question you." She stood up.

"What? Why?" I asked.

"To find out what happened. If you were attacked or well...if you did it to yourself."

"Oh." I said quietly. "But I thought they already knew."

"They had a witness, your friend I assume? Anyways, they questioned him and he told them you had done it to yourself. He's also a suspect though, so they want to confirm it from you."

"Well, get some rest." She walked towards the door. "Me or another nurse will be back later to clean your wound and replace the bandages." She gave a small smile and walked out. I sighed and turned onto my side away from the door, being slow and careful to not aggravate my stomach. I pulled the surprisingly comfy blanket up over my shoulders and stayed still after that. At least now I had an excuse not to do anything. Hopefully I'll fall asleep before anymore unwanted visitors made an appearance.

Hopefully I wouldn't have any nightmares either.

The room stayed quiet besides the constant beeping of the heart monitor. I let my eyes slide close, relishing in the peaceful quiet that was usually disrupted by my unpleasant train of thoughts. In this quiet, all by myself and nothing to distract me, my mind would usually being doing its best to torture me and make me feel things I didn't want to feel, which would result in the usual cutting. I was surprised by my thought's unusual quiet, wondering for a moment why I felt so calm. I hadn't felt this calm since...since...since before I could remember. Oh well, I was too tired to figure out why. I didn't care either. For once I was getting a break from myself, and I was gonna cherish it. I let out a small sigh as the room began to grow dark as the sunlight disappeared from the window. After what seemed like ages sleep finally began to pull me under, into what I hoped would be a dreamless night.


	8. Help Me

**Thank you all for all your amazing motivating reviews! Thanks to everyone for favoriting and following this too, there's so many! Over 200 favorites! Less than 40 till 300 followers! I'm so excited!**

 **Here's the next chapter~**

 _"_ _Okumura!"_ I jumped awake as the voice pierced through the darkness. My eyes opened and I was staring up at the plain ceiling. I blinked in confusion, before hearing a sigh of relief at my side. I looked over, seeing Bon. I growled and pushed up on my arms slightly to get in a sitting up position. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I was just checking up on you, chill." He grumbled. I opened my mouth to spit out a reply, but didn't get the chance when he continued, "Anyway, are you okay? You were crying out in your sleep."

So I did have nightmares then. At least I couldn't remember them…

"I'm fine." I snapped. "Fuck off!"

"Oh my god...why are you so against people trying to help you?!" Bon snapped back.

"You're the one who-"

"I _know_ what I did! But for fuck's sake, people make mistakes! Can't you just accept the fucking apology?!" He interrupted.

"If I do will you leave me alone?" I asked angrily.

No! Of course not you fucking idiot!" He practically yelled.

"Why not?!" The anger and yelling was starting to make my stomach hurt, but I didn't care.

He grabbed me by the collar of the hospital gown, "You tried to kill yourself Rin! Why would I leave you alone after that?! Why did...why did you try to…?" The anger disappeared from his form and he let go, sitting back in a chair.

"What's it to you?" I spat out before giving myself any time to think.

He rubbed his temples and stood up. "I don't want to argue with you anymore." He reached into his pocket and pulled out what I realized was my knife and put it on the table. "If that's really what you want, I won't try to help you anymore. You can be alone." He turned and left the room without another word. I looked to the floor, not sure how to feel.

"I'm so stupid." I whispered to myself and put my head in my hands. I should be happy right? I pushed him away, he left just like I wanted him to. I had wanted him to leave me alone right? That had been why I was so rude, always snapping at him right?

No. It's not that I wanted to be alone, I just didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to take the risk of someone become important to me and then just throwing me away like I was nothing. Not again. I couldn't handle it happening again. Even if I did forgive Bon, tried to be friends again, I would just fuck it up. That's all I ever did, was fuck things up. I wasn't good at anything else. I heard it so many times, how couldn't it be true? I was just a useless, worthless screw up who couldn't do anything right.

Maybe I was just meant to be alone.

Maybe people wouldn't get hurt because of me if I kept to myself.

But then why was I still here? I didn't have a future, I'd rather be dead, so why couldn't life just let me go? I wasn't even supposed to exist!

My gaze wandered over to the table, landing on my knife. A shape behind it caught my attention. My phone. For a moment I wondered if I should text Bon...ask him to come back, give him a chance.

Ask him to give me a chance I didn't deserve.

I bit my lip, not knowing what to think. I longed for the silence I had had the night before, were my thoughts were tranquil. I let out a pained breath and reached out for my knife, but paused with my hand above it. I felt guilt crawling over my skin, thinking about both Bon and Yukio. I shook my head to rid myself of the thoughts and picked up the knife anyway. I slowly pulled the weapon out of its sheathe and layed the sheathe back on the table. I looked at the sheathe for a long moment before laying my arm down. I placed the knife over it before pausing. If a nurse came in I would have no way to hide it. Then I'd be in even deeper shit, have to deal with more people and…wait. Why didn't I just leave? I would heal just fine on my own and then I wouldn't have to deal with people. I put the knife on the table and slowly sat up, the pain in my stomach not as bad as yesterday. I swung my legs over the side of the bed before cautiously putting some weight onto them. At first my stomach protested as I stretched the wounded muscle, but little by little I was able to get on my feet. I heard footsteps by my door and froze, hoping it wasn't a nurse coming to check up on me. I let out a sigh of relief as the footsteps traveled past my door. Wait, how the hell was I going to break out of a hospital in the first place? I couldn't just walk out in a fucking hospital gown and be expected to walk out the front door no problems. Hell, if I tried stepping out of my room wearing just a hospital gown I'd probably be stopped. Well...what floor was I on? I slowly walked over to the window and pulled it open before looking down. It looked like I was about five stories up...not what I'd prefer, but I could probably make the jump with no major injuries.

Perks of being a freak.

Now then, I was not going to walk around in a hospital gown, no way. I walked through the room and started going through drawers, hoping one of them would store some decent clothing. I saw a drawer titled 'emergency supplies' and reached down, pulling it open. There was a variety of things but all I paid attention to were the clothes next to the blankets and sheets. I quickly pulled some out, seeing some sweatpants and a simple white shirt. No underwear, damn. Oh well, it's better than this hospital gown. Knowing the nurses would most likely being coming in soon, I quickly pulled the gown off and pulled the clothes on, being careful not to reopen my slowly healing injury. I walked over to the nightstand, picking my phone and knife up and shoving them into the sweatpant's pockets. The objects weighed down the already a bit too big pants and they started to slip down. I grumbled and pulled them back up, looking around for something I could use as a belt. Finally I just ripped off a strip of fabric from the bed sheet. I used it to wrap it around the sweatpants waistline and tightly secure my pants. Then I walked over to the window and pulled it open, looking back at the ground. The air felt a bit chilly from up here, but it would probably be warmer closer to the ground. I sat down on the window shelf and let my legs hand over the edge. I looked down at the ground, feeling a bit of hesitation and a twinge of fear. I heard the door stiffen and I froze. I looked over my shoulder, seeing the nurse from earlier standing on the doorway, her eyes wide. My tail curled closer to me, now I couldn't back out.

"Rin?! What are you doing?!" Her voice was shocked and worried. "Get down from there!"

"Okay." I agreed, that was the plan anyway, to get down from here. My definition was different from hers though, obviously from the scream that left her lips as I pushed myself off the window sill into the outside air. For a few seconds I was falling. I tried to position myself to fall correctly, but it looks easier in the movies than real life. I ended up crashing into the ground painfully, the impact gnarring my bones. I felt pain flare in my torso and gritted my teeth. After a few minutes after the pain in my body died down I forced myself to my feet. I didn't have time to be cautious about my injury, with her walking in they were bound to be running out of the hospital soon to find me. I looked around at the town I was in, not recognizing any of the area. I went and just took off in a random direction, ignoring the warm blood running down my stomach and soaking into the soft fabric of the sweatpants. After I got a few good blocks away from the hospital I slowed down, panting as I tried to catch my breath. I pressed my hand against my bleeding wound as I walked, my tail remaining close to the ground. I looked around the dark town, lit only by street lamps. I wondered how late it was and pulled out my phone with my other hand. The time read 11:45pm. I slipped my phone back into my pocket, wondering what I should do now. I wasn't going back, that was for sure. No point in staying somewhere you're not wanted. Someone a few feet ahead of me stepped into my path, causing me to come to a halt.

"Well hey there, kid." The figure, a male judging by his voice walked into the light. He was pretty tall, and big too. Damn, he was big. He towered over me, looking to be around six foot something. His clothes were baggy, and his arms were littered with tattoos. His hair was jet black, hanging down to almost his shoulders. His eyes were a light, piercing green. I heard footsteps behind me and glanced over my shoulder to see another guy come to a stop behind me and shooting me a smirk. He was dressed in a bunch of leather and looked a bit younger than the other guy, but he was still taller than me. He had chestnut brown hair that was short, and his eyes were hazel.

I suddenly got a bad feeling in my gut when I saw the third guy walk up, blonde with a dark eyes.

"What's a cutie like you doing out in a town like this by yourself?" The first guy asked slyly. I felt absolutely revolted at being called 'cute', and even more by the thought of what these guys might be out to do.

I bared my teeth at the guy, "Fuck off."

"You look even cuter when you're mad." He said, unfazed by the snarl as he stepped towards me. I stepped back and glanced around looking for a escape route. Before I could shoot back a retort I felt a hand clasp over my mouth along with a rag and an arm snake around my waist. The rag had a strange scent and I held my breath to not breathe it in. I was pulled back and up against something. I kicked my heel back into the guy's shin, trying to throw him off me. Instead he tightened his grip around my mouth, his nails digging into my skin. He fingers fingered the bloodied fabric of my shirt before pressing hard into the stab wound. A gasp of pain slipped past my lips, muffled by his hand. I felt my legs grow weak and my weight leaned back against the older man. The action caused me to breathe in the strange aroma. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!'_ I thought with a bit of panic. "Ooh, this one's a fighter Terrece." The male holding me said with a playful tone. I slammed my elbow back into his side. He let out a growl of irritation and forced me down to my knees. I felt my body grow weaker every second the rag was pressed against my face. "We're gonna have fun tonight." I struggled against him as the other two walked over, looking down at me. The older, Terrece, kneeled down infront of me.

"Move your hand Jue, I want a good look at our new toy's face." The words sent a disgusting feeling to rake my insides, and I felt like I wanted to throw up. I tried to summon my flames, but whatever was on the rag must've messed something up. There wasn't even a spark. Jue removed the rag and his hand, instead grabbing my arms and twisting them around to pin painfully behind my back. Terrece caught my chin in between his fingers and tilted my head to the side, his gazing observing every detail of my face. His thumb moved to run back and forth across my cheek. When he thumb ran over my lip I quickly opened and my mouth and bit down on it, digging my fang into the skin until it scraped against bone. Satisfaction stirred in me as I heard his cry of pain. His gaze transformed into fury and he tried to yank his thumb out of my mouth. I let out a dark growl and just tightened my grip. Suddenly I felt hands grab roughly at my tail and yank; the next thing I knew white spots were dancing in my vision and my nervous system was on fire. I heard a scream, I think it was mine? After the pain died down Terrece landed a hard blow across my face, causing my cheek to sting and my fang to cut open the inside of my mouth. A line of blood ran down my chin and I raised my head to glare darkly into his eyes.

"Terrece, this guy's got demon blood." A voice I hadn't heard yet, who must've been the third person, spoke up. I felt him lift my tail up higher and it twitched and wiggled in his grasp, thrashing to escape. He tightened his grip and I felt my body stiffen.  
"Yes, I could tell from his ears and fangs already." Terrece looked thoughtful. "After we waste him there's a few places I know that'll offer some high prices for him." As he looked back at me his gaze turned angry and he slapped me again. When my glare sharpened his hand made contact again. I wouldn't give in to this guy, I wasn't going down without a fight. A few hits later my head was hanging and I was letting out small pants, all my energy almost drained. The next moment I was being dragged to my feet and dragged into an alleyway only to be tossed roughly to the floor. My head banged against the concrete and everything exploded into white from the pain. I grabbed my head with a curse and curled in on myself slightly. Terrece knelt down over me and grabbed my hair tightly, forcing my head back. An icy fear ran through my veins as I found I had no energy to fight back, that my limbs weren't responding to me. I should have never left the hospital. I don't want this to happen. I don't need rape topped above everything else I was struggling with, and I didn't want to be sold as some whore. "You want my fingers in your mouth so badly?" He sneered, "Then you'll get it." He shoved his filthy fingers into my mouth and I gagged as he pressed them down against my tongue and poked against my throat. Tears formed in my eyes from the gag reflex and I tried to force myself to bite down on him, but my body simply refused to follow my commands. I heard his voice distantly as despair and fear and disgust whirled around inside me. I felt the hands of one of the other guy's hands, I didn't know which, I didn't care, pulling at my clothes. I felt the warm fabric of my pants pull down to my knees, a snide remake being made at my lack of underwear. My eyes closed as I fought with all my willpower to force my body to move, to stop them. Why was this happening?! Did God really hate me this much? I felt something snap inside of me and the tears ran down my cheeks as I let out a muffled sob. I felt my body begin to shake with fear, my tail curling around my leg. All I could see in my head was Bon, and now I wanted him more than ever. I wished I never pushed him away, I wished we were back at the hospital were I was safe. _'Please…someone…anyone…'_

 _'_ _Help me!'_


	9. Promise

**Woohoo! Two chapters in one day! Aren't I wonderful? I just had the idea of what to do and the motivation to write it, so enjoy!**

I distantly felt hands running up my body, touching and feeling and making me feel disgusting. The fingers were pulled out of my mouth and I coughed and gagged, an awful after taste lingering in my mouth. Terrece smirked down at me, brushing my bangs out of my face. "I can't wait to be the one to tame you," He said with a wicked grin. I felt another ball of ice form down in my stomach and began to lose any hope on getting out of this situation. My mind was spinning with the worse of thoughts; being raped and violated more than once in the alleyway by these three men, no one around to hear or care. Them breaking whatever fight I had left in me, dragging me to some horrid place, and sell me off to become someone else's sex slave, destined to live out the rest of my life being forced down again and again. Distantly I could hear someone crying, which was probably me. For some reason Terrece's voice continued to pierce through the fog that was my brain. "I want the first round guys. I wanna hear this punk scream."

And that did it. No one was coming to help me. I couldn't help myself. Everything was going to hell and there wasn't a single thing I could do about it. I went from being an outcast to being a demon, and now I was going to become objectified ontop of all that. Used for someone else's pleasure while I drowned in shame and despair and the longing of death. Constantly asking _why,_ what did I do to deserve this? Maybe this was my punishment for existing. To be in constant turmoil and suffering. More tears ran down my face as I stared up at my tormentors, watching Terrece kneel inbetween my legs and reached down to unzip his pants. I felt myself begin to shake more, part of me still denying this was happening and the other part begging for anyone to save me.

The next thing I knew a gunshot rang through the air and a scream forced itself from Terrece's lips as he toppled over me. I heard and felt a sob of relief escape my own lips, my breath coming in terrified gasps of air. Through the fog I heard a few more shots and people yelling. Then someone was kneeling down next to me, and I got the courage to let my gaze wonder over to who I hope was my savior.

My eyes landed on him, and I just wanted to throw myself into his arms and cry. I felt gentle hands pull the pants back up around my waist before pulling me up into his hold, pressing me against him and looking over at what I assumed was another person to yell something. Bon's amber eyes looked back down on me and I could see from his expression he was trying to reassure me. I strained my ears to listen to his voice, to understand his words. However all my strength was officially gone and all I heard was his voice with the absence of words. I simply laid my head on his chest as ragged sobs rose from my chest. I felt his arms tighten around me. My tail unwrapped itself from my leg to wrap around his arm, seeking comfort and protection. I felt his hold shift as he rose to his feet, and I was aware of sirens screaming in the distance. The other person ran over and my gaze looked over to see who it was, but my eyes were blurry from the tears and simply not processing from whatever they had drugged me with. I let my eyes slide close and my body went limp against the other teens body as I fell into an exhausted, relieved, drugged sleep.

* * *

Bon stared down at Rin's sleeping form, wishing the smaller boy would open his eyes. It had been three days since he had found Rin in that alleyway about to be…to be…

His fingers clenched the material of his pants as the anger boiled inside him once again. Those sick bastards were about to rape him, to use him like a whore, to break whatever spirit the half-demon had left. They were going to put him through the hell, and after they were done Bon didn't even want to think about what they would have done. The possibilities were endless. They could've taken him with them to lock him up somewhere, to use him over and over. They could've left him there for dead, left him there miserable and broken and wanting to die even more than he already did. They could've dragged him to some human trafficking site, sold him for a few million. They could've-Bon shook his head to rid himself of the thoughts. Yes, they could've, but they didn't get that far and that was the important part. He and Yukio had found him just in time, the last second before that man was going to violate his Rin. He remembered like it was yesterday. He couldn't shake the image: the dark haired man kneeling inbetween Rin's legs, about to do his worst. Rin, looking so hopeless, tears running down his bruised face. His pants pulled down to his ankles, his shirt soaked with blood. Yukio hadn't hesitated to shoot that man, Bon hadn't seen Yukio looked so angry before. Furious would be an understatement. He had quickly took out the man's flunkies. The two had been shot in the leg or shoulder, so they would be fine but the first man was still in critical condition.

Bon remembered running over to Rin's side, kneeling down next to defenseless boy and rage filling him. His face bruised, blood running from his mouth down his chin, wet streaks running down from his eyes. His eyes lacked any hope, fear filling them. He had never seen Rin so afraid before. His entire body had been shaking. Then Rin's blue eyes had handed on him and he saw heartbreaking relief fill them as sobs began to escape the younger's mouth. Bon had then taken the boy into his arms and held him close until he lost consciousness. He hadn't removed Rin's tail from around his arm, if it gave Rin comfort he would let it stay there forever. After that the police had showed up to arrest the three men who turned out to be wanted criminals with multiple charges of rape, assault and even murder. Rin had been taken straight back to the hospital, the doctors had to convince Bon to let Rin go so they could do their job. Bon hadn't left the room since unless to use the restroom, and he had only eaten because of Yukio bringing him some food. He knew someone had to be here when Rin awoke, he needed to know he was safe and okay and someone was here for him. Once he woke up Bon was force some sense into the kid's head, make him know he wasn't alone, that he had Bon, that he never had feel unwanted and useless ever again. Bon suspected that Rin may be even more messed up now after the sexual assault and the trauma of being extremely close to being raped. The doctors had said the men had drugged him, and that was why despite having demon blood, Rin was rendered defenseless to the rapists. He had said once the drug was out of his system Rin would wake, and his wounds should be healed or mostly healed before that happened.

Bon rubbed his eyes, pressing his hands against his eyes tiredly. He moved his hands up to run through his hair before letting them drop back down to his sides. He needed a shower, he thought distantly. He leaned forward and gently brushed Rin's blueish, blackish bangs out of his face. His pale skin was soft but warm from the effort of fighting off the drug in his system. Bon's other hand moved to gently take the half-demon's hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze, watching as the sleeping boy's body relaxed slightly.

"I promise Rin…I'll never let anything like this happen again. I promise you won't be alone ever again."

And he had every intention of keeping that promise.


	10. Note

**Hey guys. So, I know it's been awhile since I last updated. I wanted to let you all know that I'm not dead, and I am gonna finish this story. I've a rough 2017 year so far, and I haven't had much motivation to write. Plus every time I started writing the next chapter I didn't like how it was going and scraped it and started over. And if like, anyone has any ideas they would like to see in this, plzzz tell me in a review or pms. I cannot guarantee it will make it in this, but it could or spark new ideas for this fic.**

 **I would also like to say I am AMAZED at how my followers and favorites I have. Thanks to all you reviewing and following and favoriting this! I never imagined I'd have so many. Just one more thing before I go: Is anyone following this an artist or like to draw? If so, I'm thinking about creating a Tumblr page and having a competition to pick a cover photo for the story. I've read a bunch of other fics that have done that and it seems pretty fun, so I wanted to try it out. If not, then I won't xD**

 **I'm sorry for any disappointment at this only being an note and not an actual chapter, I know the feel. I am going to try to get the next chapter out by the end May, hopefully sooner. After May updates should come faster since school will FINALLY be over and i'll have some free time.**

 **Please review and get back on any of the requests in this note! If there are confirmations on the art thing then I will post with the next chapter the info on how to participate. Thanks everyone! Till next time! :3**


	11. Overheard

**Hai. I'm finally updating. I also never got anything about the art thing sooo I'm not gonna do that. This chapter is kinda crappy...  
** **Imma post it anyway cuz I'm sick of rewriting it. Enjoy~**

When consciousness began to make itself known, at first everything was muddled, foggy and confusing. I opened my eyes, or, I think I opened them; everything was blurry and full of random colors and shapes. I don't know how long I was like this, seconds, minutes, hours, days? Who knows. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity the confusion began to die down and my sense began to work again. After everything had mostly died down, that's when the panic hit me. At first I thought I was back at the hospital, but then it flashed back to the alleyway. The two images continued to go back and forth and confusion struck my mind; what was happening? Was I at the hospital or that alleyway? Had I been saved? Am I okay? Was I...I felt my body begin to shake. Was I raped? I heard a voice and looked towards the source. Bon! Wait...the image switched to Terrece and a hand lifted towards me as it switched back to Bon. Soon I couldn't tell if it was Bon or Terrece reaching out to grab me. The panic flaring inside me reached it's peek and I let out a scream, grabbing my head. I felt strong arms wrap around me and I flinched, but the hold didn't loosen I heard a familiar voice in my ear, comforting and calming. I focused on the voice, realizing it was Bon's. My body leaned onto his chest as I felt the panic slowly die down. The room stopped spinning, the alleyway officially fading from my sight. I felt a gentle hand rubbing my back.

"It's okay Rin...you're okay. You're safe…" His soft voice spoke and I squeezed my eyes shut. "Just breathe...try to follow mine." He took in a deep breath and I struggled to match it. After several ragged attempts to calm my breathing I began to succeed, and a few minutes later I was breathing steady. "That's it."

I opened my eyes and looked up at him, feeling slightly exhausted after the panic attack.. He met my gaze and gave a soft smile. I moved my gaze away from him and I rested my forehead against his shoulder as I felt guilt begin to twist inside of me.

"I...I'm sorry…" I said quietly.

"Huh? Why?" Bon asked, holding me tighter which only increased the guilt.

"I just…" I clenched his shirt tightly in between my fingers. "You were just trying to help and I pushed you away. I was upset because of...well, allot of things but...one of them was because I didn't have my friends anymore...but when you actually tried to be my friend again I…" I sighed and closed my eyes. "I'm so stupid."

"Yeah." He agreed. "Sometimes you can be pretty stupid. But you're not a complete idiot. You're just...confused.."

"But still...I don't understand why you're trying to help me…" I said quietly.

I felt Bon's grip around me tighten.. "Because you're my friend."

"But...I'm a demon...and my father hurt your family…."

"Yeah, he did. But you're not Satan and his deeds aren't yours. I should have realized that sooner. You're not Satan, and you're way too nice to be thought of as a demon." Bon said, a small blush on his face.

"Don't go falling for me now." I joked half-heartedly.

"You wish." Bon snorted.

I gave a weak chuckle.

"Well I take it your feeling better?" Bon asked.

"A little bit." I answered. "So...are we...friends again?"

"Of course." He ruffled my hair.

"Even though I'm a stupid emo demon?"

"Even though you're a stupid emo demon." Bon chuckled softly, rubbing my back comfortingly.

"...you won't ditch me again or tell me to get lost?" I asked in a quieter, serious tone.

"No." Bon said firmly. "I won't ever do something like that again."

"Promise?" I asked,

"Don't trust me, huh?" Bon sighed,

"I don't want to get hurt again…" I replied.

"You won't be." He said. "I promise."

I smiled weakly. After a few minutes of silence Bon spoke back up. "the others visited you, while you were asleep."

"The others?" I asked, opening my eyes to look at Bon.

"Yeah." he nodded. "Shiemi and Izumo and Shima and Konekomaru. They heard about all that happened."

"Oh….why did they come?" I asked.

"They were worried." He said. "Teach's been around too. Whenever he's free he's here.."

"Yukio's been around too…?" I asked hesitantly.

"Of course, he does care about you, even if you think he doesn't." Bon said.

"Well then he has a terrible way of showing it." I grumbled to myself. I peered up at Bon in between my dark bangs, "...you realize there wasn't like, a miscommunication, right? He straight up said he wouldn't care if I died."

"I know." Bon sighed and moved his gaze away. "I guess he changed his mind. Or, more likely, he probably realized that wasn't how he actually felt."

I shrugged and didn't say anything, instead just staying quietly in Bon's embrace. After a few minutes I sat up, and stretched. About half way through the stretch I froze for a moment before realizing my stomach didn't hurt. I reached down and pulled up the hospital gown- goddammit I was in one of these again?!- and looked at the where the injury was. Nothing. The injury was completely gone, not even the fainest hint of a scar to suggest the area had ever been damaged. I knew I should probably be glad the wound was gone, but I couldn't bring myself to be. It was almost like a reminder the world wouldn't let me go yet, not that easily. As if it thought I hadn't been through enough yet, that I hadn't been punished enough for existing. I let the gown fall back to cover the skin and looked over at Bon who was watching quietly. "How long was I out?"

"Three days."

"Three days?!" I exclaimed, looking at him with wide eyes. "Why was I out that long? How?"

Bon started looking a little uncomfortable, like he wasn't sure if he should answer or not. Then he sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Its not that complicated, really. The...uh...rapists put a drug in your system somehow, and it took two days for your body to rid of the substance. One more for your wound to fully heal, since your body's attention was spilt between the wound and the drug it took longer than normal to heal."

"Oh." I blinked. Well, I guess that made sense. "So um...what happened to them?" I asked.

"They were arrested, obviously. However the um...guy called Terrece is in the hospital- not this one- and may die from injuries." Bon explained.

"How did he get so badly hurt?" I asked, almost satisfied at hearing the outcome.

If only I'd been the one to put him in the damn hospital.

"Teach, uh, your brother saw him over you, got super pissed and shot the shit outta the guy." He answered.

"Huh…." I said, looking at the bed. So he did care? Couldn't he make up his mind? One day he hates me and then the next he's upset over me almost dying and getting enraged from someone hurting me.

The door opened quietly and both Bon and I looked over. Shiemi walked into the room. Her blonde hair was in a single ponytail hanging over one shoulder. She was wearing her usual pink kimono. "Hi Suguro! I brought-" she stopped mid sentence when her gaze landed on me. "Rin! You're awake!"

* * *

I walked towards Bon's dorm, relieved to finally have some freedom. Even if it was only for a few minutes. Yukio and Bon had been hovering over me since I got out of the hospital. I haven't had a single waking moment to myself unless it was to take a shower or to use the restroom., and even after they would check me for cuts. Not gonna lie, I still wanted to, but having two people doing all they could to keep me from it did make me feel a bit better. Even if it was extremely annoying. The only reason I was even being able to have this small amount of alone time was because Yukio had called Bon to let him know I was coming over and he was to, of course, make sure I hadn't cut myself while I was alone. It was almost like they thought I was addicted, like I was smoking crack or something. It's not like any second of the day I got alone I was going to pull out a knife and cut myself up, i just did it when my emotions were getting too much and there was nothing else to help. They hadn't been that bad for the past few days since I'd gotten out of the hospital, but I was sure that episode before the mission that led to the hospital stay wasn't the last time I would cut.

During the last few days in the hospital I'd been visited by Shiemi, Shima, and even Izumo and Konekomaru. I guess everyone knew I was also in there because I had tried to kill myself, but thankfully they didn't treat me too differently. Not a lot, at least. Bon was pretty much with me the whole time, and now that I was out of the hospital I had to make up on all the school I missed, which is why I was heading to Bon's dorm.

I walked into the dormitory and made my way up to the room Suguro was on. I walked to his room and was about to go in when I heard voices inside. I paused, making out Shima's and Suguro's voice.

"Come on man, you haven't gone out with me and Koneko in a week! I know you're super hype about school and all, but if you don't give yourself time to chill you'll go crazy!" Shima's voice sounded.

"I already told you Shima, I can't go and that's that." Suguro responded with irritation.

"And why not?"

A sigh. "Because Rin's coming over so I can help him catch up on the schoolwork he missed."

"You've been with Rin _all week!_ What's up with that anyway? Isn't he, y'know, not our friend anymore?" Shima asked.

"He is my friend. It's a long story-" Bon began.

"Oh, really? I bet it isn't really that long. You don't actually care about him, do you? You're just trying to relieve your guilty conscience and make sure you don't have someone's life on your hands. If Okumura hadn't turned out suicidal, you wouldn't even be hanging around him, would you? You don't even really like him, is that right? You're just pretending to make him feel like he's worth something so he doesn't kill himself because of you, just admit it." Shima's small speech interrupted.

Silence. "I…."

One hand moved to cover my mouth as I felt a pang of hurt and anger. Not wanting to stick around to hear Bon say all Shima had said was true, I quickly ran off, leaving the dormitory. I should have fucking guessed. Who would ever want to help me for me? Who would ever want to be friends with me because they liked who I was? No one could ever like a demon like a me. Maybe that's why Yukio suddenly showed an interest as well, he didn't want a life on his hands either. If I died, those two didn't want it to be because of them. Shima was right, if I wasn't suicidal neither of them would have a care in the world for my wellbeing. I never should have thought any differently, I never should have let them trick me into thinking they actually cared. I turned off into a random alleyway and pressed my back against the wall before slowly sliding to the ground. A sob forced itself past my lips and I buried my face in my hands. All the happiness I had felt from feeling like someone actually cared, that I was actually worth caring for went straight down the drain. The thought of finally having the only thing I really wanted ripped away from me once again put a dark and empty feeling in my chest. I suddenly felt a hundred pounds heavier, and it was hard to breathe from the strong pain radiating from my heart. I wiped the tears running down my face off on my sleeve, but it didn't do much as more tears replaced them. Shakily I pulled out my knife from my pocket, an extra one neither Yukio nor Bon knew about. Good thing for that, if they had found out they would have taken it and I would have no way to relieve the pain. I took in a ragged breath in between sobs as I pulled the knife out of it's sheathe. This one, unfortunately, wasn't a holy metal knife. It was just a plain old one. That meant more effort for relief, since I healed so damn fast. God, I hate myself so much, how could I have ever expected anyone to feel any differently? I've never been liked by anyone except for Father Fujimoto, everyone else, kids my age, adults, teachers, hated me. I only had friends for a little bit because they didn't know my reputation and they didn't know what I really was. The moment they found though and I was alone again. I thought Bon really was willing to give me a chance, to think of me differently than a monster, but I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I was a monster and I'll never be anything different. No matter how hard I tried. A demon was demon, after all.

I put the knife against my skin and dug it in before pulling it across my arm. I winced as pain raced up my arm, not quite as used to the pain from abstaining from it for a week. I bit down on my lip and made another cut, one after the other. Each one red blood welled up and spilled over my arm and dropping onto my clothes and the ground. I switched the blade to my other hand and continued the cuts down my opposite arm, the blood staining my gray shirt red. All I wanted was to be accepted and have friends. I just wanted to be treated like everyone else, not be treated like a fucking animal all the time. No tricks or bets, no one trying to play with my emotions, just truly being my friend. I pulled up my shirt and pulled the blade across my stomach, then again, then three times then four...one for every time I've been called a demon, a monster, told to kill myself, referred to the "son of satan". Thats right, I wasn't even my own person. No, in everyone else's eyes I would never be Rin Okumura, I'd just be the son of Satan. I finally dropped the knife and wrapped my arms around myself, just letting the tears flow and wondering again and again, 'why me?'

* * *

"Oh, really? I bet it isn't really that long. You don't actually care about him, do you? You're just trying to relieve your guilty conscience and make sure you don't have someone's life on your hands. If Okumura hadn't turned out suicidal, you wouldn't even be hanging around him, would you? You don't even really like him, is that right? You're just pretending to make him feel like he's worth something so he doesn't kill himself because of you, just admit it." Shima stared him in the eyes, a smug smirk on his face.

"I…." Bon was silent for a long moment, clenching his fists and trying to contain his anger. "Rin is my friend. I am not pretending to like him. I am not pretending to care. I made a damn promise and I sure as hell am going to keep it."

Shima scowled, "but why? What made you suddenly change your mind?"

Bon growled, "I'm not defending myself to you. When did you become so cruel, anyway? Nevermind, Rin's gonna be here soon so get out."

Shima rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He put his hands in his pockets and walked out of the room. Bon let out a sigh and sat down at his desk and looked down at his homework. He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair, trying to shove down his anger. He closed his eyes and let out a long breath through his nose. His phone dinged and he opened his eyes and picked it up. It was a text from Yukio, **Has Rin arrived yet?**

 **Not yet, he should be here soon though.** Bon sent back and put his phone down. He glanced at his clock and decided to give Rin five more minutes and then shoot him a phone call. Bon was sure he was fine, probably just taking his time. A small part of him twinged with worry about someone attacking him, or kidnapping him, or trying to do something terrible to him….the thoughts only grew and became more persistent and Bon decided he wasn't going to make it to five minutes. He picked up his phone again and called Rin putting the phone to his. The first ring...then another...and another…

Bon bit his lip as he waited for Rin to pick up.

"Hello, you've reached the voicemail of-" Bon snapped his phone shut as he felt worry build in him along with anger. He called up Yukio, "Yeah, hey. Rin's not here. He's not picking up his phone either."

 **I knowww I villainized Shima I'm sorryyyyyy I love him so much thou (even if he's pissing me off in the manga rn that lil shit)**


	12. Brothers

**This chapter's a bit short, but ayy, at least I'm updating more often, right? Enjoy~**

I quietly walked back into the dorm, keeping my eyes out for Yukio. The cuts had long since healed, but my clothes and skin were still stained with blood. I walked up the stairs and towards my room, going slowly to avoid making any kind of noise. I put my ear against the door to our room and listened for a few moments. Feeling confident that Yukio wasn't home, I pushed open the door and walked inside. I walked over to my closet and pulled out a change of clothes and grabbed a towel. I didn't even feel upset anymore, just empty. I was about to take a shower when my gaze moved to Yukio's side of the room and the locked box under his bed where he kept his extra exorcist supplies. Manly, his guns, ammo, and holy water. With a gun I definitely would succeed. One shot to the head and it would all be over. No more feeling pointless, no more hurting, no more wondering if people actually cared or they were just pulling your leg. Bon and Yukio didn't care...how could anyone care about me...I was an abomination, a burden to Assiah. Everyone would be better off if I just died. The only reason I was still alive was because the Vatican wanted to use me. That was it. They didn't see me as a person, all they say was a tool they could use until it broke, then they'd throw it out and find a new one. I wished they had just killed me when they found out I existed. Why did I have to defend myself? Why didn't the Paladin kill me when he had the chance?

I began to walk towards Yukio's bed and then kneeled down to pull out the black box. I put in the four digit code that Yukio didn't know I knew and slowly opened the box. I stared down at it's organized contents: two hand held guns, different types of ammo separated by type, and four holy water grenades in the left hand corner. My hand slowly moved towards the gun before pausing. Should I really do it? Or am I just overreacting? Was I right about Bon and Yukio or was I wrong? I closed my eyes and let out a breath. I stayed like that for a moment before opening my eyes and grabbing the gun. I grabbed a clip of holy water bullets and one grenade before setting them aside and closed the box. I slid the box back under the bed before putting the clip into the gun and picking up the grenade. I walked out of the room and up to the roof, looking around the area I had cut at so many times before. The same place I had contemplated suicide many times before. Now, the place I was actually going to carry it out. Alone. Where no one would know and no one would care. I set the grenade down and looked off at the scenery one last time. I turned off the safety and put the gun to my head, closing my eyes. I took in a deep breath and then let it out. I began to pull the trigger-

"RIN!" A sudden voice made me jump and a hand slapped the gun out of my hand. Suddenly I was on the ground and staring at my younger twin brother. "What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?!"

I looked at the gun then at him, "I…." His eyes were filled with anger and worry, his lips pressed into a thin line. He looked like he wanted to strangle me. I looked down, feeling like it was pointless to answer. He knew exactly what I had been about to do. His eyes travelled to my blood stained clothes and skin, at the gun and then back at me. In a softer tone he asked, "Rin, what happened?"

I stayed silent for a moment before looking up at him, "do you care about me?"

"Of course I do!" He frowned.

"It's not...it's not to make sure I don't kill myself because of you, or to make dad happy, or-"

"Rin." Yukio put a hand on my shoulder. "I care because you're my brother. We already talked about this...what made you think differently? Was it Suguro? Did he say something?"

I shook my head as tears welled up in my eyes and poured over onto my cheeks. I looked down as Yukio wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I laid my head on his shoulder and let the tears flow. "I'm so sorry Rin...I'm sorry we ever made you feel this way."

I shook my head and wrapped my arms around him, just feeling grateful for the moment of comfort. He rubbed my back with a sigh. "Rin...remember when we were little kids and you used to hold me like this whenever I cried or needed someone?" I didn't look at him and gave a simple nod, wondering why he was mentioning it. "Well, maybe it's time for you to be able to rely on me like I always relied on you. We are brothers, after all." He repeated my saying with a small chuckle. I sniffed and gave a small smile.

* * *

I was sitting on my bed with a blanket around my shoulders and a mug of hot chocolate in my hands. I sipped the hot chocolate, watching as Yukio put his supplies back into the box and change the lock code. I felt a little bit of guilt that he couldn't trust me, but I've given him every reason not to. I had taken a shower after I calmed down from my previous break down. Yukio had stayed in the bathroom as well and graded homework while I was bathing, just to make sure nothing happened. Then he started putting his supplies away after I was done and putting his exorcising weapons in places I wouldn't be able to get ahold of them.

He slid the box back under the bed and turned to face me. "Rin...about all the blood on you when I found you..."

"Yeah….?" I asked hesitantly.

"Did you cut yourself earlier?" Came the unavoidable question. He stared at me with his piercing teacher gaze and I looked away, holding the mug tighter. I sighed and gave a small nod.

"I figured. I found this in your pants pocket while you were in the shower." His words made me freeze and I looked over to see him holding up my extra, no longer secret secret knife. "I thought you said you had given us all the things you would possibly use to harm yourself." He said sternly.

"...To be honest, the original thought was self defense...not cutting…"

"But it was used for cutting nonetheless." He crossed his arms with disapproval.

"I'm sorry, okay?! But it happened and lecturing me isn't gonna change that fact!" I snapped in frustration.

"I know that! I'm just worried about you." He put the knife on his desk.

I opened my mouth to reply when there was a knock on the door and it creaked open. Bon walked in with a worried expression on his face. I looked away from him, feeling hurt welling up in my chest again.

"Rin!" He walked over and sat down next to me. "Where were you? Why didn't you ever show up?"

I put the chocolate on my desk and kept my face turned away from him, "Do you even care?"

"What?! Why the hell wouldn't I care?!" Anger was obvious in his voice.

I finally turned my gaze back to him, trying to look angry but just ending up looking hurt. "I heard you and Shima talking. You didn't deny anything that he said."

Bon's eyes widened before his pressed his lips together into a thin line. Yukio looked over in interest, I hadn't yet told him why I did what I did. "Rin." Bon growled with anger in his voice, "you're a complete fucking idiot." I looked at him in offense and opened my mouth to speak, but didn't get the chance before the older boy went on. "Did you even bother to stick around to listen to my response?"

"I….no, I mean...you were just silent! I…"

"That's because I was trying to control my anger in order not to beat the shit out of Shima! If you had bothered to stick around to listen or actually confronted me afterwards, you would have found out that I told Shima off and then kicked him out! I don't actually think any of those things Shima said! Now just what did you do because you thought I didn't care about you?!" He grabbed my shirt collar and glared at me fiercely. I turned my gaze away, feeling embarrassed and guilty I thought what I did about him, and even more so at what I did in response. "What did you do?! What did he do?!" He looked at Yukio.

Yukio looked at me then at Bon. He gave a sigh, "he cut himself. That's it." I stared at Yukio, wondering why he didn't tell the whole truth. He didn't return the gaze however, continuing to look at Bon. Bon let go of my shirt and ran a hand through his hair.

"Goddammit Rin…."

"I'm sorry." I said quietly.

" _Sorry_ doesn't change anything!" He snapped. I looked away and pulled the blanket closer around myself, feeling like a child. No one said anything else, a thick silence filling the room.

"Does…" I finally spoke up, "Does Shima hate me? What about everyone else? I though Shima and I were cool, but…"

"I...I honestly don't know. I thought he didn't, but…" Bon shrugged. "Konekomaru doesn't hate you. I talked to him. I mean, he's still scared, because...uh…"

"Because I'm a monster." I finished his explanation.

"No! You're not a monster!" Bon crossed his arms. I just shrugged. Bon sighed, "and I don't know what anyone else thinks."

"Shiemi doesn't hate you either," Yukio spoke. "I don't think she has the capability to hate anyone, really. She just didn't know what to think. She still wants to be your friend though."

"Really?" I looked at him. He nodded and I smiled weakly, picking up my hot chocolate and taking another sip.

"And you'll find out everyone else's opinions as well tomorrow." Yukio added.

I looked up at him, "What?"

"You're going to school tomorrow, you've missed enough of it." Yukio sat down at his desk. "Suguro and I are both here, so we can use how much time necessary to get you caught up."

I groaned and rolled my eyes, just when Yukio had started getting better, he decides to torture me some more. Go figure.


	13. New Arrivals

**Hey guys. I know you deserve a longer chapter after me not updating for a few months, but this is all I got. I've had a pretty rough summer so far and I'd prefer not to go into the details.** **Anyway, good news is I got some plot :D and the other characters like Shiemi and Izumo and Neko and Shima are gonna get more invovled! Yay! (and dont worry there will be more depression)** **So, enjoy what I got. See ya next update. Thanks for all the support!**

I walked towards the school with Yukio, feeling extremely exhausted. Mornings suck. Not to mention Yukio and Bon worked me for hours last night. My brain felt like mush by the time they were done. My tail flicked with annoyance at the thought that because I had been stupid, Bon and Yukio were going to be even more overprotective than usual. Then I thought about Shima, and what he said. My tail began to curl and uncurl as the exhaustion turned into anxiety at the thought of facing my classmates. Would they give me another chance? Would they make fun of me for being a cutter and trying to kill myself? Would they feel awkward and not know what to say, glancing at me with pity in their eyes? I glanced down at my uncovered arms, looking at the thin white scars that resided there from when I had cut before I became a demon. I wondered before why they hadn't ever healed, but couldn't figure out and decided I didn't care why. They hadn't healed and that was that. The reason they were uncovered was because you would have to really look to notice them, and because I was sick of caring about what anyone else thought. It's not like I had any friends outside of cram school that would give a damn one way or another if they noticed the scars. All my cram school classmates knew I did it now anyways, so what was the point of hiding?

As we got closer to the school campus I hid my tail underneath my white collared shirt. I pushed back my bangs with a sigh and looked up at the building of True Cross Academy we were heading towards. When we reached the stairs Yukio looked at me, "I'll see you later at lunch. Don't even think about pulling anything." He warned, glaring at me with his piercing green gaze.

I rolled my eyes. "I won't I won't." I muttered and started walking towards my first class. I felt my twin's gaze on me for a few moments more before I heard a sigh and footsteps as he walked in another direction.

I halted as I walked into the cram school classroom, not expecting to see other students besides my frie-...usual classmates. My classmates; Suguro, Shima, Konekomaru, Izumo, and Shiemi were on one side of the room, while five other kids I didn't recognize were on the other. None of them looked Japanese either, they looked American-ish. One kid, and the biggest, had dirty blonde hair and brown eyes. He had tan skin and was wearing a letterman's jacket. He had a smug look on his face. He looked like a total jock. It was hate at first sight.

Next to him must of been his buddy, a dark skinned guy who wasn't as tall. He had black hair and green eyes. He didn't look as much of a total dick, but who knows. Behind them was a girl with short brown hair that was blonde at the tips and brown eyes, wearing a t-shirt and jeans. She was on her phone, looking like she would rather be anywhere else. There was another girl sitting next to the dark skinned boy. She had long blonde hair with blue eyes. I didn't pay much attention to her when I saw the last student, feeling a bit of surprise. She had straight, medium length black hair. She was a little away from her classmates, and it was obvious as to why. She was wearing a hat in attempt to hide something, which I could tell from the unnatural lumps underneath the fabric. Her eyes though were an unnatural green, her pupils slitted just like a cat's. She had demon blood. I felt a pang of sympathy for her.

When I walked in the five looked over and I awkwardly walked over to Suguro, feeling uncomfortable under their stares. "Who the hell are they?"

Suguro gave a shrug. "A foreign exorcist class, I suppose."

I looked over as one of the students from the other class stepped up to us, the big guy with blonde hair. "Well, since our teachers aren't here to do it, I guess we should introduce each other. We're from the American Branch."

"The American branch?" I tilted my head. "why are you guys here?"

The blonde shrugged, "To learn from each other, at least that's what the teach said. I'm John, by the way. This is Robbie," he gestured to the dark skinned teen, "that's Mirada," He gestured towards the girl on her phone, "she's not very talkative. And this-"

"I can introduce myself, thanks." The blonde flipped her hair. "I'm Paris. And the shy freak over there is Lily." She jabbed her thumb at the girl with the hat. Lily shrank into herself, pulling her hat further onto her head.

I felt my anger beginning to rise when Paris called the other girl a freak. Before I could say anything, John narrowed his eyes before smirking, "so Japan takes in freaks too, huh?"

"Emo freaks, apparently." Paris snickered. I glared at them darkly. Bon abruptly stood up, "hey, what's your problem?!"

Paris put her hands on her hips, "What's your problem, big guy?"

"I'm about to show you, you bi-"

The door slammed open and we all looked towards the door. Yukio and an older woman I didn't recognize stood in the doorway. "Just what is going on here?" Demanded the woman. She was an inch taller than my brother with brown hair braided down her back. She had piercing blue eyes and a 'no-nonsense' aura about her. "You aren't starting trouble on the first day here, are you?"

"Of course not, Mrs. Mion." Paris said sweetly. I glowered at her. Why did our two classes have to learn together?! Hopefully they wouldn't be here long. I could already tell this was going to be a horrible experience.


	14. Reasons Why

**Woohoo, an update! So yeah. Here's the next chapter. Thanks for everyone's reviews, I really like knowing people like this :D So, until next time. Enjoy~**

I looked at Yukio, practically staring him down for an explanation, He caught my gaze but didn't make any move to clear my confusion. Instead he looked at the students and said, "As you all know your two classes will be learning together for the duration of two weeks. This is something new the order is trying out to see if it will be implemented into the curriculum. When you become exorcists you will have to work with many different types of people, and this will give you an idea of what it's like. No matter your personal feelings towards each other you have to get along. If you can't learn to work as a team in a limited amount of time, out in the field you would die. Here, you'll just fail this part of the class."

…..  
After the bell rang the Americans got up and left the room, laughing and pushing each other. I watched them go through narrowed eyes, not forgetting the rude things they said before, A loud thud grabbed my attention and I looked towards the source of the sound, seeing the girl with the hat, Lily, had tripped on the way out, dropping her books. She mumbled a curse and kneeled down. After a moment I got up and walked over to her, picking up one of the fallen supplies and handing them to her. She looked at me suspiciously for a moment before reaching and grabbing the book. "Thanks…" She got to her feet.

"So...your name's...Lily, right?" I asked, trying to sound friendly. Lily was the only one who seemed decent so far, so what was the harm of befriending at least one of the American students?  
"Yeah…" She shifted awkwardly then looked at me again, "Why do you want to know? Are you going to pick on me like everyone else? If you are don't even bother, I have better things to do."

I blinked and scratched the back of my head. "Uh, no, actually. You seem like the only decent person out of your class, no offense."

"Really? Didn't you hear what they said? I'm a "freak"."  
"Yeah well they called me a freak too if you were listening." I dropped my arm down. A frown tugged at her face, but the distrust in her eyes didn't fade. Her green eyes gazed at my ears before travelling down to my tail. They glanced briefly at my arms before meeting my own gaze.

"...What are you?" She finally asked.

I shrugged. "Half-demon. I figure you are too?"

"Yeah…" The tension in her shoulders lessened slightly.

"What are you hiding under your hat?" I asked with genuine curiosity and without thinking reached for her hat. Lily immediately reared back, grabbing her hat and pulling it on tighter.

"Don't touch me." She hissed through pointed cat-like fangs with a strong glare before stalking past me out of the room. I watched her go and rubbed my arm.

"Oops…" I turned towards Yukio's desk as I remembered wanting an explanation, but scowled when I saw he was already gone. I decided to do the next best thing. I turned back towards where my class sat, seeing Bon standing up and waiting, and Shiemi was standing a few feet away, looking down awkwardly. I glanced briefly at Shiemi before looking away and walking over to Bon. "So what the hell-"

"Rin!" Shiemi walked up to us. She offered a nervous smile, "How are you doing? I haven't seen you since I visited you at the hospital...but, um...I just wanted to say that I...um…"

"What is it?" I asked her.

"Um...I'm sorry for being distant. I know I didn't say it at the hospital but I should have because I'm your friend and I was being selfish and not thinking about your feelings and just...sorry." She looked down, an embarrassed blush across her face.

I blinked and then smiled genuinely, "No it's okay. I'm happy to hear it."

She blushed more and looked back up. "And I...I also wanted to say since I am your friend you can rely on me! So if you need anything just tell me!"

I rubbed the back of my head. "Yeah, sure."

She smiled and turned as if to leave before turning back and embracing me in a hug. I blushed and looked down at her. She quickly stepped back and smiled again before turning and walking out of the room. I stared after her before hearing a snort from Bon.  
I whipped towards him with a blush, "you got something to say gorilla?!"

"Nope." He lifted his hands in surrender.

I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Well, I'll see you later." He smiled, dropping his arms. "I got a few tests I need to study for."

My tail twitched and I chewed on my lip. Finally I swallowed my pride and said, "Uh...can I go home with you?"

Bon blinked. "You sure? I'm gonna be studying."

"Well….Yukio's on a mission tonight and...I don't want to walk alone by myself..." I didn't meet his gaze. "I don't want to be alone either."

"Is it because of…?" He didn't finish and instead said, "yeah, of course."

I nodded, looking down with embarrassment, "thanks."

…..  
Bon sat down at his desk, pulling out books and notes for various classes. I sat down on his bed and watched as he organized them into piles according to class and laid them out at the top of the desk. Then he pulled forward one pile and opened the book and notebook, starting to go through them. I moved my attention away from him and looked around his dorm room. Which was _much_ nicer than mine. I got up and walked over to his bookshelf, looking to see if he had an manga. I was out of luck, it seemed, as all the books he had where big, leather-bound books. I let out a huff and sat back down on his bed, wondering what I should do to preoccupy myself.  
"Hey Rin, while we're here do you want some help with your homework?" Bon's voice drew my attention and I looked over at him.  
I crossed my arms, "I don't need help. I can do it just fine on my own."  
Bon just raised an eyebrow in disbelief.  
"What?! I can!" I defended myself.  
He chuckled, "sure you can." Almost immediately after he closed the textbook and turned so he was fully facing me. I frowned as the air suddenly turned serious. "Hey Rin...if you don't mind my asking, when...when did you start...well, you know, self harming? And why?" I dropped my crossed arms down into my lap, staring down at them. "Hey, if you don't want to answer you don't have to."  
"No….it's fine. If you really want to know...I guess we are friends, so…" I took in a breath and looked up at him. "The question is, do _you_ really want to know?"  
He frowned, as if he was puzzled by the question before nodding, "Yeah, I do."  
"Well...I first cut myself when I was thirteen." I shrugged. Bon's eyes widened and before he could say anything I went on, "I didn't know what else to do. Back then...I...I didn't have any friends." I admitted. "No one wanted to be around me. At school there were always whispers behind my back and rumours going around about me. If anyone new transferred in the other kids would make sure they wouldn't talk to me either. A lot of the kids would pick fights with me on purpose, and even though they started them I always got in trouble for it. Others would tell me to kill myself, one time a kid shoved a knife in my face and told me to go cut my wrists. Even the teachers hated me. A lot of them would fail me on purpose, and eventually I just stopped bothering to try. I stopped trying to do well, I stopped trying to make any friends...I started skipping school and staying away from home.  
At home my family was disappointed with me a lot...because I never did good enough in school for them, because I always got into fights...I was always told I should try and follow Yukio's example...That I should try and be more like him. I was getting to the point where I just didn't want to try anymore. Everything just felt pointless...I felt alone, I had no one to talk to, I didn't have any way to ease the pain. So...one time I just...did it. I used one of my old man's razors and just...tried it out, I guess. And yeah, it hurt but...it did help, in a way. It gave me something else I could focus on besides my emotions...and I just...kept doing it." I shrugged, staring down at my hands.  
Bon was silent for a while before he said, "And...you just...kept doing that until you met us? Since you were thirteen?"  
"No, not..not exactly…" I said. "Um...I kept cutting for a year, but...one time I took it too far. I cut too deep and I passed out...My dad was the one who found me...When I woke up I was in the hospital. My dad was furious…" I let out a small laugh, smiling weakly. "Man, did I get torn apart for that little stunt. He had been really worried, and he was mad that I never went to him when I was feeling bad enough to cut myself...So, we made a deal. As long as he kept what I had done a secret from everyone else, I wouldn't cut anymore. Of course he still checked me for cuts a bunch, but...I did manage to stay clean after that. I guess it was because I realized he cared about me more than I thought, and I actually had someone to go to. But then he died...and my powers awakened and I found out the truth…" I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. "That's when I started cutting again. You guys became my friends and for the first time in a really long while I actually felt happy...so I stopped. Then you guys found out what I was and turned your backs on me. I started to feel like every time I felt happy something had to happen to tear it apart...That's why I tried to kill myself. I thought...no one wanted me here anyway...and I...I was never going to be happy then…" I put my head in my arms as a few tears ran down my face. I felt the bed dip besides me as Bon sat down.  
"I'm sorry, Rin." He said quietly. I felt him wrap an arm around my shoulders and pull me into a hug. I uncurled myself to wrap my arms around him as I cried. He hugged me tightly, "You're not alone. Yukio, Shiemi, and I...we're here for you. And I always will be. You won't ever have to feel that way ever again. Not if I can help it."


End file.
